Insta-Mort! (edited for content)
Insta-Mort ®! For all your mortification needs!
by Sarah and Laura
Just a little help: The title of the story bears no relevance what-so-ever to the story... We just like the way it sounds! WE made it up after all.....
We are all in college... All the girls (Laura, Erika, Sarah, and Elizabeth) are at Harvey Mudd while the guys (Jimmy, Rock, Caleb, and Laura’s boyfriend Brett) are at th University of Southern California. So anyway, all the guys are sticking with the not-so-glamorous job of working at Hobby Lobby. The girls, however, are a bit more prosperous. As it turns out, the girls have started their own business.... They import and sell Dragonball products. We had sold some of Laura’s stuff (when she wasn’t looking) then imported some new stuff and now sell it to helpless, desperate Dragonball fans for MUCH higher than a reasonable price... However, since they’re desperate, the people are willing to pay. (You guys were right!! Writing stories IS fun!!) By the way, you guys have to pay JUST as much as our other customers.
Anyway, the girls are out seeing a movie, when Jimmy calls Erika on her cell. She is delighted to hear from him, and starts talking during the movie. When the angry mobs begin to throw her out, we are all kicked out of the theater, and we smack Erika around a bit. (But we still love her anyway)
Since we’ve been kicked out, we decide to find alternate forms of entertainment. We then proceed to the nearest pay phone and prank call the guys. Yes, we know it’s immature, but still!
Caleb: Hello?
Elizabeth: Is your refrigerator running?
Caleb: Uh...I think so...
Elizabeth: Well, you’d better go catch it! *Click*
Rockford: Hello?
Sarah: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Rockford: Um....maybe?
Sarah: Well, let him out! *Click*
Jimmy: Hello?
Erika: Hello, sir. Congratulations! You’ve just won a million dollars!
Jimmy: Wow! That’s great! Now I can afford to go to college with Erika!
Erika: Stay on the line, we’ll be right with you! *Click* (Jimmy meanwhile stays on the phone, listening to the dial tone)
Brett: Hello?
Laura: *in a French accent* Allo?
Brett: Um...yeah?
Laura: Allo.
Brett: Hi.
Laura: This is a collect call from France. I am calling for...Bretttttttt?
Brett: Yeah...that’s me.
Laura: The charge will be approximately dollars per minute. Do you accept? Not that it matters anyway...since you are on ze phone.
Brett: What?!
Laura: Hold on, I must connect...
Brett: But...!
*runs away from pay phone, leaving phone off the hook*
Brett: Hello? Do I still have to pay?
Sarah: *operator tone* Your charge will be mailed to you. Thank you for accepting. *Click*
While the girls all laugh hysterically at the clueless guys, a van pulls up next to them in the alley they are taking to get back to the campus. Sarah pulls the uzi (notice the correct spelling) out of her purse, Elizabeth takes a 1700’s rifle from her hair, Erika runs and Laura takes one of the dead people’s weapons from the ground. The van drives away after losing several men and the girls walk home.
“Good riddance,” says Sarah.
“They weren’t even cute!” says Erika.
“Really! What’s the fun in THAT?!” asks Laura, puzzled.
Elizabeth, being the caring one, says, “Is everyone all right?”
“Wait...hold on...” says Laura, all the girls look over in horror.
“You didn’t!” cries Erika.
“Uh-oh...someone take that gun away from her....” says Sarah.
“I BROKE A NAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Laura screams, and all of California hears (except for the guys, who are playing “Nintendo freaking 64”).
So, while Laura is in mourning, Sarah slowly removes the gun from Laura’s hand. Once this delicate operation has been completed, Sarah recommends a trip to the guys’ apartment. “I guess....” says Laura in the midst of a sniffle.
“Yeah!! That sounds great!!” exclaims Erika. Laura mutters something unintelligible under her breath while Erika screams in protest. Sarah, Elizabeth, and Laura laugh hysterically.
So, the girls leave the back alleys and catch a cab over to the guys’ place. They walk up to the guys’ apartment and knock on the door. There’s no answer, which the girls find very odd since the guys never go ANYWHERE without them... So, Erika takes Jimmy’s spare key out of her purse and proceeds to unlock the door.
“When did you get that?” asks Laura, grinning.
“Um.... SHUT UP!!” replies Erika. The other girls just laugh but then stop suddenly when Erika opens the door and a dreadful scene is spread before their eyes.... “*gasp* JIMMY!!!!” Erika runs into the bloody room and throws herself over Jimmy’s dead, bleeding body. She begins to cry and wipe off Jimmy’s face with the hem of her shirt. The other girls are still standing in the doorway in shock.
“Brett.... my Brett....” Laura is in disbelief. She begins to walk in then turns around to see Elizabeth break down crying and Sarah getting a VERY pissed off look on her face.
“If I EVER find the people who did this......” Sarah says in a quiet, dangerous tone. (Laura knows the tone we’re talking about.... Just ask, and maybe you’ll get a sample!) She unconsciously reaches for the uzi in her purse.
“Sarah, calm down.... Please? For OUR sakes? We’re all upset. Just control yourself,” says Laura, who has been Sarah’s personal psychiatrist since their freshman year in high school.
“We’d better call the police...” says Elizabeth who seems to be the only one thinking very well at the moment.
“Yeah... okay. I’ll do it,” Laura volunteers. “Hello? L.A.P.D.?” But her voice is drowned out by Erika’s sobs... So Laura must go into one of the back rooms where she finds a very odd thing.... ONE OF THE MURDERERS HAS LEFT THEIR GUN!!! She has begun to think a little more clearly now, so she knows not to touch it. “Yes, L.A.P.D.? There’s been a homicide here!! Please... we need help... Send someone over...”
The police show up at the house and even THEY are disturbed at the scene they find. This is the first glimpse anyone from outside the group has gotten of the scene. Caleb, who had been eating at the time of the attack, was sprawled across the table with a hamburger in his right hand... Rockford had been at the computer writing an e-mail to Sarah when he was shot. He had just been about to close the letter and send it. The last line on the letter was, “I love you.” Jimmy was making a collage of pictures of Erika. He was at the coffee table. There are hundreds of Erika pictures just cut out, ready to be pasted. They are now covered in Jimmy’s blood, and are close to unintelligible. Brett was making some Dragonball orders for Laura that she had forgotten to do. The phone is now stained red with Brett’s blood... One can hear the voice of a Japanese Dragonball dealer on the phone. When Laura hears this, she realizes what Brett had been doing and begins to blame herself for his untimely demise.
“When was the last time you girls talked to them? Was it yesterday?” asks a police officer who is trying to get the story.
“No.... *sniffle* In fact, it was just this afternoon. After we got kicked out of the movie theater for talking....” explains Laura, who then breaks down crying.
“What was the last thing you girls said to them?”
“Well, actually, um.... we were prank calling them... But Erika actually had a conversation with Jimmy. She was the reason we got kicked out of the theater in the first place. She had been talking to Jimmy....” states Elizabeth.
“How about you, young lady? I notice you haven’t been crying... Might I inquire why?”
“If I ever find out who did this, you won’t have to worry about it anymore, officer. I’ll take care of it in my OWN way.” Sarah is still VERY pissed off and hasn’t hit the mourning stage yet, which, psychologically is a very bad thing.
“Um... That’s probably not a good idea, miss. You’d better leave this to us...” says the officer, trying to calm Sarah down.
“Kubat, let’s go get you some orange juice...” says Laura, pulling her into the kitchen.
“I HATE orange juice...” she mumbles on her way.
“I know you do. Now, don’t go telling the officer you’ll ‘take care of it’ when he doesn’t KNOW about your purse-arsenal or our record of killing people who attack us, OKAY?!” Laura practically screams.
“Fine,” she says in the same, cold tone she’s used for 3 hours.
“I still think you need some orange juice.”
“Drop it.”
“Okay...” Laura says meekly, not wanting to be killed. By the time they exit the kitchen, the officer has found the gun that was in the back room (the room the guys used to pile their dirty laundry in until they finally had to take it).
“Was this here before the attack?” he asks, picking it up with gloves.
“No...only Rockford had guns...and they’re at his house,” Sarah says with the same dead tone.
“Are you sure none of the other boys were armed?”
“Positive...” says Erika, who hasn’t said anything before that since they got home.
“Thank you girls...I know this is hard, but you did the right thing calling us. Now why don’t you girls head home and we’ll clean this mess up?”
“Go HOME? You expect us to go HOME?” says Sarah, the first time her voice has been above a whisper all day.
“I don’t see why you’d want to stay here...”
“Are we supposed to stay HOME and wait to get shot ourselves?” shouts Sarah. Erika starts crying, and Elizabeth takes her into the other room.
“We know you can take CARE of yourself, but everyone ELSE needs help! Calm down!” Laura advises, but under her breath says, “At least she isn’t whispering anymore...that was scary...”
Meanwhile, Sarah is getting in the officer’s face. “I’m not gonna wait around our apartment waiting around for some GUNMAN to SHOOT me!!!! Now...if you’d be willing to put us in the witness protection program...”
“Um...that could be arranged.”
“Well, you see, officer, we were attacked earlier today...” Laura says quietly.
“Why didn’t you say that earlier?”
“Um...I don’t know. I kinda forgot, finding everyone...dead and all. It’s been a rough day for all of us. Besides, we didn’t have any trouble, it happens all the time,” says Laura.
“I STILL say that you incompetent police people should get us some new identities or something....ANYTHING!” shouts Sarah. “AND we’ll have to abandon our store for a while.”
Laura begins to cry about Brett and leaves the room.
Erika walks back in. “Officer?” she asks meekly.
“Yes, miss?”
“Do.... do you think they suffered?” asks Erika as she looks back at her dead boyfriend.
“No. They were all shot in very fatal places. For instance,” pointing at Jimmy, “that particular young man was shot in the head. Because of where he was shot, he died instantly.”
“Oh.....” Erika slowly walks out of the apartment. Laura and Elizabeth follow to make sure Erika doesn’t go do something crazy like throwing herself out a window. They aren’t worried about Sarah. They knew that the only people in danger around her were the murderers themselves.
Sarah then followed the other girls and they went back to their own apartment, but not before Sarah told the officer to “do something about getting us protection.”
In the meantime, Sarah had been standing guard outside the girls apartment every day with her uzi in her steady grip. People had been avoiding her like the plague because she looked VERY scary with a gun.
Inside the apartment, Laura, Erika and Elizabeth were discussing Sarah’s erratic behavior. Laura, being her psychologist offered an analysis. “The steely glint in her eyes, her quiet tone of voice, the way she walks stiffly, and, last but not least, the uzi, should give us some indication of a problem. Rockford’s death has clearly taken its toll on her psyche. It’s incredibly unhealthy. If she stays like this for too long, I’m gonna prescribe her some sedatives and lock her in a room with no windows. Sound good?”
The other girls agreed heartily as they saw Sarah outside the window, scaring off some passerbys, innocent children and a few senior citizens, who ended up with heart attacks.
“But it’s a good thing she’s good at forensics, she got us those fingerprints off that gun faster than the cops could say ‘donut.’ It’s just a lucky break our buddy Molly (not Molly Steele, Molly the CSI) had that government computer lying around that I could hack my way into...” Laura says, trying a background check on Sarah.
Sarah busted in the door, Laura quickly shut the laptop, and Sarah slammed her uzi down on the table, shooting it through the roof. “I’m sick and tired of STANDING HERE while their MURDERERS are wandering around!!!!!! I’m going out to look for them.”
Elizabeth, the one with common sense, immediately yelled, “You can’t DO THAT!”
Erika agreed, sniffling, “What if they get you too?”
Laura, with hands spread wide, said, “How the heck do you expect to FIND them? We haven’t even matched the fingerprints!!”
Sarah whispered, in her deadly tone, “I can SMELL them...” (Laura wrote that part)
“Um...Kubat...I’ve got some pills here that will help you calm down...” Laura says, pulling out her bottles of Prozac, “this is better than lemon with salt...I swear...”
“I don’t want to calm down. I want to go find the bast****, make them eat their own sh**, then shove an uzi in their mouth and blow their heads off.”
“Um...okay...that sounds nice...” Laura says as she sneaks her rifle around her back, knocking Sarah out with the butt of the gun.
“Whew!” says Elizabeth. Erika is crying, hugging her stuffed dog.
“I wanna go hoooooooooooome!” she wails. Laura takes out her notepad, and labels a page ‘Erika.’ She jots down : “regression depression, and constant wailing. Perhaps fear of Sarah, perhaps fear of murder...a very thin line...”
“Okay, people. Help me lift her up. Anybody got any rope?” Laura says, shoving her notepad in her pocket. Elizabeth rushes to help her as Erika sucks her thumb. Laura and Elizabeth proceed to take Sarah to her bedroom, tie her to her bed, and board up the windows.
Sarah comes to while they are analyzing the fingerprint that Sarah collected. She sees her old friend Molly and is happy for a split second. When she realizes that she’s tied down to the bed, and feels really tired for some reason, she starts to yell at Laura. “What the HECK did you do to me?! I’M TIED TO THE BED??? WHY DID YOU DO THIS?? YOU GUYS KNOW I’M YOUR ONLY PROTECTION BECAUSE THE STUPID COPS DON’T GIVE A DA** ABOUT US!!!” Everyone proceeds to back away from Sarah a few feet and wait for the sedatives that Laura gave her to kick in. Begins to gnaw at the ropes. “I’VE DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU THESE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS AND HOW DO YOU REPAY ME?? BY TYING ME TO A BED?! I CAN’T BELIEVE.... you would.... I feel dizzy... what... did you do..... to ...... meee.........” says Sarah as she slowly passes out.
“That was close!! Laura, what kind of sedatives did you give her?” Elizabeth asks.
“I’m not sure.... Why do you ask? It was just some old stuff I had sitting in the medicine cabinet. Let me check the expiration date...June 1984....it should be okay, this stuff lasts forever...” Laura says, scrutinizing the bottle of unknown substance.
“Will she ever wake up? Jimmy never woke up....” says Erika from her corner, hugging her blanket and puppy.
Elizabeth and Laura exchange worried glances, while Molly looks up from her work with a grin. “Guys! It looks like we have a match!!” Everyone but Sarah runs over to the laptop in excitement. They all gasp as they witness the face that matched the fingerprints.
“No...it can’t be!” cries Erika.
“Unbelievable!!” Laura exclaims.
“Who the heck is that?!” Elizabeth wonders.
Three days later... Sarah has been released from her bondage, but given small doses of sedatives to prevent her from “going postal.” Erika’s blanket was taken away, and she was given some candy instead...that way the blanket wouldn’t get in the way of the grenades she wore on her belt...
The girls had gotten the arsenal ready...uzis, .9 mm’s, assault rifles, shotguns, snipers and many more firearms were at their disposal. They tucked them in their purses, hair, pants, shirts...(hmm...) and anywhere else you can imagine (or wouldn’t want to).
Sarah mentioned more eating of one’s own feces, but Laura remedied it with a few sedatives and a bump to the head. Elizabeth, the only sane one left, was the medic of the group, while the ordinarily dangerous girls became even more frightening as they packed on ammunition. Even Erika, who was usually childlike, snapped out of her daze and began to stare starry-eyed at her grenade launcher.
On their way out of the apartment, on their way to the murderer’s home, Sarah turned to Laura and said, “Laura, my dear friend, might I have a few more weapons to add to my uzis, grenades, handguns, and shotgun strapped to my back?” As she said this, a very violent, malicious smile crept across her lips.
“Um...um...um...” stammered Laura, and she proceeded to pop a few Prozacs and headed out the door.
Nonetheless, Sarah grabbed a few more grenades and stuffed them in the butt of her pants while Laura wasn’t watching.
They headed for their armored Jeep, complete with machine guns, solar-powered lasers and a stereo to blow the house down. They threw it in reverse and peeled out of the driveway at 70 mph with “I Will Survive” blaring from the speakers.
Elizabeth addressed the group, “What will you guys do if we survive? I’m gonna start my own boutique...”
“I’ll be a pediatrician...or a daycare mom....” Erika said, squeezing her teddy bear, which now had a bandana on its head.
All the girls were decked in camo, bandanas, army boots and, of course, their portable arsenals.
While they were driving down the highway, they saw some REALLY hot guys and thought, hey, we’re single now.... aren’t we.... hmmmmm......
All of them got really big grins on their faces and proceeded to flirt with the guys on the highway across cars.
They finally arrived at what was the home of one of the murderers.... It looked like a nice enough house. White picket fence, flower bed in the front.... a VERY ugly lawn gnome.... and a pretty little mailbox with the last name on the side.... BEAKS..... The first victim.... Hopefully the girls would get lucky and all three of the murderers would be in the same house...
Erika, being very pissed that one of her boyfriend’s old buddies would kill him said, “I’ve got this one covered....” in a deathly tone not unlike that of Sarah’s....
The other girls understand, but tell Erika that they will cover her in case more than just Michael are in there. Erika agrees and hides most of her arsenal in mysterious places...
She walked up to the front door and waited for the other girls to place themselves. Sarah called dibs on the back door, while Laura and Elizabeth both got window’s on opposite sides of the house. Erika gave the signal, and rang the doorbell. She took careful aim and waited for someone to answer the door.
A few people walked by, but paid no heed since things like this happen all the time in L.A. Erika then noticed a slight movement in the blinds and turned and fired multiple shots... She didn’t care WHO she killed. She was just hungry for the blood of the Beaks home....
With the sound of artillery fired, the other three girls rushed in. Sarah comes across one of Rockford’s old friends Courtney McMillan whose fingerprints had been on the gun found in the back room of the guys’ apartment. Sarah first just beams Courtney in the back of the head with her shotgun. Courtney is knocked to the ground but is still conscious. Sarah pulls out her two uzis and pointed them at Courtney’s head. “Before you die, bi***, I’d like to ask you just one thing...” Sarah said in a very low tone...
“What’s that?” Courtney asked with a malicious grin on her face.
“Why’d you do it? Why the heck would you kill one of your good friends? I just don’t get it!!” Sarah was becoming very emotional now. She was finally getting past the anger stage and into the actual crying stage...
Meanwhile, Laura was searching for someone to kill, not wanting to miss out on the fun, erm, action. She figured she may as well throw a grenade or two into the bedrooms...so she did, and, soon enough, a girl rushed out before she was thrown further out by the explosion of five grenades. “I got one!” Laura shouted. “Who are you?” she asked, with a .9 mm to the girl’s neck.
“K--Kasi Jones...” she stammered.
“Wait...weren’t you that girl that Rock...” Laura asked slowly. “You wench! Die!” She pulled the trigger, then just looked at Kasi. “Um...sorry...”
Sarah was wedging the two uzis into Courtney’s temples. “Tell me, da****! Why the heck did you see that fit?!?!” she sobbed.
Laura and Erika came back from their kills (Erika had hit Michael), and Elizabeth was done checking to make sure the bodies were dead. They all stared at Sarah, who was still trying to get a motive out of Courtney.
Erika, who had been cured of her regression by the hot guys on the highway yelled, “Just kill the bi*** already!” Elizabeth asked if she could have the pleasure. Laura just stood by filing her nail she broke.
Sarah then pressed the uzis to Courtney’s forehead. “Tell me!!!!”
“You won’t kill me. You’re just a softie! Big talk, no action!” Courtney screamed desperately.
“Oh, you did NOT just say that,” said Laura, backing up, prepared for Courtney to be blown to bits.
“Kick her @$$, Sarah!” yelled Erika.
Elizabeth pulled a pin out of a grenade with her teeth and flung it into a bush. “I’m bored...”
“Go back to heck where you CAME FROM BEFORE YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!” Sarah screamed and fired both the uzis into Courtney’s forehead.
The deed was done, and Sarah fell to her knees crying. Elizabeth patted her shoulder, Laura gave her Erika’s teddy bear, and Erika piped up, “Hey, we forgot about those hot guys on the highway!!!!”
So, leaving the carnage of revenge behind, the girls went back to their armored Jeep, picked up the guys and partied.
THE END
NOOOOO!!! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE?!?!?!
Innocent bystanders of Kaiju.com are frightened by the girls' stories! Aitchana! This was a caption for the image above..but hey, why not put it down here? Stupid one highway! Raar!
I am mocking this template
This is my good friend Hal. I took this picture on his birthday. I think he likes to be in pictures. I think Hal is a self-centered prima donna who needs to get a life! And I need to realize the fact that a sunset is not my conceited companion... but a natural wonder...and why they put this pic here is COMPLETELY beyond me!! AND WHY THE CRUD IS THERE A STREETLIGHT THERE?!?!?!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
